7th of December, 2014
Although my life has constantly revolved around writing about things - things I love, hate, not care about, or compelled to - the hardest has always been to write about romantic feelings. It's not easy, never been easy. Maybe because I know that once I finally write them down, they become real. All these words are out there. They take forms and live and breathe and wander. But when I find the courage to let them all out, it's exhilarating. Maybe that's as close as the feeling that you have when you sing on stage.
Last night, I was making this mixtape - an actual, tangible one. I want to make it special. That's the least, and also the best I can do. Most times, I laugh at myself on the things I do that surprise me when I get way deep into this state. I was halfway done when I stopped. I know that night I said you don't have to say anything. That's some bullshit I made up. Of course I want to know how you feel. But then my heart welled up and got stuck in my throat and I realized, you really don't have to say anything. You already said enough.
And I'm not mad. I am sad, yes, but not mad. But most of all, I felt light. It's like I finally let go of this anchor in my heart that kept on weighing me down for so long, for all that time I kept on denying what I feel to myself. You said you hope you're causing me more inspiration than harm, but I will not lie to you and say that it's been a walk in the park. It's hard to be in this fugue state, not knowing. It's been too long that it wore me down. And believe me when I say that it really was me and not you.
You made my heart sing. You made me incredibly happy though you didn't know it. That time I found out I'll be spending my 24th birthday in Clark after all, I wanted to hug you so bad. How could I ever thank you? You see, I'm deeply awkward and I can never overcome that. The countless times I just want to tap you on the back and talk with you about anything and everything, I cannot just do that. I'm not built for that.
I want to hug you, trace the lines of your back against my arms and remember that memory for as long as my heart beats.
Can I at least do that?
Then I'll let go. I'll let you go. I'll let all these feelings go.
Love,
mc
Although my life has constantly revolved around writing about things - things I love, hate, not care about, or compelled to - the hardest has always been to write about romantic feelings. It's not easy, never been easy. Maybe because I know that once I finally write them down, they become real. All these words are out there. They take forms and live and breathe and wander. But when I find the courage to let them all out, it's exhilarating. Maybe that's as close as the feeling that you have when you sing on stage.
Last night, I was making this mixtape - an actual, tangible one. I want to make it special. That's the least, and also the best I can do. Most times, I laugh at myself on the things I do that surprise me when I get way deep into this state. I was halfway done when I stopped. I know that night I said you don't have to say anything. That's some bullshit I made up. Of course I want to know how you feel. But then my heart welled up and got stuck in my throat and I realized, you really don't have to say anything. You already said enough.
And I'm not mad. I am sad, yes, but not mad. But most of all, I felt light. It's like I finally let go of this anchor in my heart that kept on weighing me down for so long, for all that time I kept on denying what I feel to myself. You said you hope you're causing me more inspiration than harm, but I will not lie to you and say that it's been a walk in the park. It's hard to be in this fugue state, not knowing. It's been too long that it wore me down. And believe me when I say that it really was me and not you.
You made my heart sing. You made me incredibly happy though you didn't know it. That time I found out I'll be spending my 24th birthday in Clark after all, I wanted to hug you so bad. How could I ever thank you? You see, I'm deeply awkward and I can never overcome that. The countless times I just want to tap you on the back and talk with you about anything and everything, I cannot just do that. I'm not built for that.
I want to hug you, trace the lines of your back against my arms and remember that memory for as long as my heart beats.
Can I at least do that?
Then I'll let go. I'll let you go. I'll let all these feelings go.
Love,
mc